4th in a series

Six L's of Caring and Coping

Look Forward to Something

By Dave Balch, Founder of The Patient/Partner Project

  Note:  Dave was caregiver for his wife during her
  successful nine-month battle with breast cancer; now he is
  on a full-time, personal mission to help other patients by
  helping their partners.  This series of articles outlines
  some of the tools and techniques that helped them get
  through their ordeal together.

During the darkest hours of my wife's chemotherapy we
received a postcard from a friend who was on vacation in
Tahiti.  It depicted a string of bungalows stretching out
across a beautiful blue-green lagoon, all framed by palm
trees.  It was dreamy, to say the least, and couldn't have
been any further from where we were at the moment we
received it, both physically and emotionally.

We were sitting there together looking at this card,
wondering how such a place could exist when she was feeling
so punk and I told her that I didn't know how, but somehow,
some way we would go to Tahiti when her treatments were
over.  We put the card on the refrigerator and every time we
went to get something to eat (usually comfort food) we saw
it there.

We didn't realize it at the time, but that postcard set in
motion a technique that played an important part in the rest
of her treatment and recovery.  Looking forward to that trip
gave us a lift every time we went into the refrigerator.

It gave us hope.

When you are in the middle of a situation like her breast
cancer, it seems like it's NEVER going to end.  Appointment
after appointment, treatment after treatment, the seemingly
endless cycle of feeling good and then feeling bad; it's
hard to imagine that life will ever get back to normal.
That post card reminded us that there would be life after
all this was over, and that it wasn't going to last forever.

Here is my recommendation:  look forward to something.
Don't wait until something happens that you can turn into an
opportunity, make it happen.  It doesn't have to be as
elaborate as a Polynesian vacation; it can be as simple as
going to a movie on Thursday night.  What's important is
that it is something important to you.  Something that makes
you feel good just by thinking about it.  It can be one big
thing such as a vacation, or a number of small things such
as going to movies or cuddling up in front of the TV with
some microwave popcorn, or a combination.  The objective is
to get through unpleasant times by taking your mind off of
the current situation and concentrating on something
pleasant in the future.  Do whatever works for you... but do
it.

I distinctly remember times when I went to the refrigerator
and paused a moment to simply stare at that lagoon and get
lost in it for a moment.  What a rush!  For those moments I
forgot about our troubles and felt at peace, knowing that we
would be enjoying a scene like that one and that all of this
medical stuff would soon be just a memory.  It made the next
round of chemo, or whatever was next, seem a little more
bearable.

It will for you too.

"Well?" everyone asks.  "Did you go to Tahiti or didn't
you??"

Eight months after we received that post card we did, in
fact, go to Tahiti.  Even better, though, is that we
actually stayed in one of the very bungalows we had been
looking at all those months on the refrigerator.  It was
sweet.

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Dave Balch founded The Patient/Partner Project, which is
focused on helping other patients by helping their partners.
Visit www.ThePatientPartnerProject.org for Internet
resources and services for patients and partners, including
free online progress reporting for family and friends and a
free email mini-course of "Six L's of Caring and
Coping."  You can contact Dave at Dave@ThePPP.org or
toll-free at 1-8-MORAL SUPPORT (1-866-725-7877)
(c) 2004, Dave Balch.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.