6th in a series

Six L's of Caring and Coping

Level With Each Other

By Dave Balch, Founder of The Patient/Partner Project

  Note:  Dave was caregiver for his wife during her
  successful nine-month battle with breast cancer; now he is
  on a full-time, personal mission to help other patients by
  helping their partners.  This series of articles outlines
  some of the tools and techniques that helped them get
  through their ordeal together.

Communication is arguably one of the most important, if not
THE most important element of any relationship.  In order
for the relationship to work, each of you must be able to
express your feelings, wants, and needs to the other, and
each of you must provide a "safe place to land" for the
other.

This is especially true when you are facing a crisis
together.  Our situation was breast cancer, and we each had
feelings, wants, and needs that screamed for recognition.
We talked about them openly and honestly, and we each
listened to the other without judging or diminishing the
other.  It made a huge difference.

When she was first diagnosed, we were both in shock.  We
walked around the parking lot at the doctor's office,
holding hands and collecting our thoughts.  The next day we
had what turned out to be a pivotal conversation that pretty
much determined the course of the next nine months.

I told her, "I'm terribly sorry that you have to go through
this, but I want you to know that I'm going to be with you
every step of the way.  I need you to help me help you,
though, by lightening-up on the way some things are done
around here."  I knew that she was very particular about how
the house was supposed to look and how the animals were to
be cared-for and I also knew that a lot of that
responsibility was going to fall on my shoulders.  I needed
her to know that I would do the best I could, but that I
needed a little "wiggle room" to make minor mistakes.

She said, "Thank you, I knew you would be there for me.  I
understand about lightening-up and that's not a problem, but
you are going to have to give me a break if I'm cranky
because I don't feel well."  She knew full well how I hated
it when she wasn't her cheery self, and she wanted to make
sure that she had some "wiggle room" too.

The conversation only lasted a minute or two, but it set the
tone for our entire ordeal.  It wasn't threatening, and
neither of us got defensive by replying with "I'm not that
particular about how things are done around here" or "It
doesn't bother me when you're cranky."

There were many other times when we shared our feelings with
each other, such as when she was thought she was going to
die.  I didn't tell her that it was nonsense or poo-poo how
she was feeling.  I simply listened to her and let her get
it out.  She felt much better after she was able to express
her fears.

There is something very therapeutic about expressing
yourself.  In many cases, especially in my own experience,
simply expressing anger or a particular fear is enough to
get rid of it completely, or at least lessen its intensity.

Weird how that works, isn't it?  Take advantage of that
fact, and talk with each other about how you feel.  You will
both have fears, anger, frustration, stress, etc.  Use each
other as a sounding board for expressing these things, and
be good listeners.  Remember, neither of you has to "fix"
the problem being discussed.  Be honest, trust each other
not to judge, and be worthy of that trust.

It will make a world of difference.

-------------------------
Dave Balch founded The Patient/Partner Project, which is
focused on helping other patients by helping their partners.
Visit www.ThePatientPartnerProject.org for Internet
resources and services for patients and partners, including
free online progress reporting for family and friends and a
free email mini-course of "Six L's of Caring and
Coping."  You can contact Dave at Dave@ThePPP.org or
toll-free at 1-8-MORAL SUPPORT (1-866-725-7877)
(c) 2004, Dave Balch.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.